Crazy

Off my meds.. I am officially off all of my crazy meds. And I pretty much feel as crazy as I ever have been. I am really hoping it will go away the longer I am off my meds but we will have to wait and see. Right now I really should be sleeping, but I can't. I have an unreal amount of emotions. They are all swirling around causing havoc in my brain. I want to make buckeyes for one of my friends, and I will cause I want to but as I try to make them it makes me feel so lonely. I crave a mom.. not my mom, but something like a mom. A friend. My sister. Fucking someone.. I don't know how to describe any of this right now. It's like this, you grow up doing things, bonding, knowing how to do things. Or you don't. I didn't have a horrible childhood. Just no relationship with my mother. So now at almost 25 years old I want that relationship, with anyone else on the planet BUT her. You can't keep tearing someone apart and expect them to stay there forever. But you can't expect that person not to miss what they could have or should have had. So I am all sorts of emotionally messed up and slowly sorting through the pieces.

Fingers crossed my dear friend
That your journey will soon end
But if you continue on your way
To see what the world has to say
Seeking something you must find
That has your heart in a bind
I know that all this is true
But I'll never once stop you

She gave up that night. She stopped trying and stopped trying to please everyone. But in the process she lost herself. A classic case where she let the world crush her until she looked in the mirror and didn't even know who she was looking at. She tried to stay strong but in the end she only saw few options. Go back to who she was, what she knew. Or keep wandering, lonely and confused. Either way she would be judged. This time she wasn't strong enough, wasn't good enough to be anything but everything she wanted so badly not to be.