crazy say what?

A new day, a new look on life so to say. I have finally broke down and talked to my doctor a few months ago and have been put on, what I call, crazy pills, A.K.A. depression meds. And yes I still do struggle quite a bit but I feel like I am so much better off now than before. I can tell that I am starting to look at things and situations differently. There are a few things that bother me though, one of which is the fact that people from before  was on my pills still act like I'm the same person from before. It's hard to grow and move on when people are always there holding you back. The other thing is that I have a lot more good days, but when I have a bad bay it is worse than before, don't get me wrong, this is a great improvement and I would never want to go back to who I was before but sometimes it really does suck.

 

Another thing that really gets to me is that I have felt like total shit almost my entire life and it all could have been just a little better with these stupid pills... These pills are not only holding me together but they are also my kryptonite in a way. They are proof that I am broken. They are proof that I am crazy. But now I don't always have to feel like that, now I can focus more on the good and less on the bad because, it's a new day and a new look on life.

Changes for good

I have recently taken some big steps in my life. If you follow my blog you may have gotten a few hints that I'm not the happiest person all the time. I have struggled with depression and have finally got the courage and push I needed to try antidepressant pills. I have been on these pills for three months now, although I do feel better overall I still have days that just plain suck. But with the help of my friends and my determination I have been doing a lot better. I have let my friends be a bigger part of my life and give me the support that has helped me become a happier person.

I also have made a huge decision about my schooling, I am not going back this fall. I don't know how long I'll be out of school but I will be taking this time to really think about what I want to do in life, what I want out of life, and where I am going from here.

Lately I have been having a lot of sucky days but I have not given up. I was talking to one of my friends the other day about how sucky I have been feeling and that honestly I have been scared. She told me that it is okay to be scared, that instead of falling into depression and letting it all consume me I am trying like hell to climb out. And I am trying like hell, I'll be honest and say there are still some days that I don't even want to get out of bed but I do.. eventually. There are days I just want to push everyone that I know can help me away and just party and be stupid, and I do. But at the end of the day I am still trying my hardest. I am just hoping that my hardest will continue to be enough.

Sometimes everything consumes me and considering I haven't cut in quite awhile I haven't quite figured out how to deal with everything. But I know it is possible. Everyday I am glad I get another chance to battle my depression, I get another day to be glad I haven't given into my depression and to become the person I want to be.

The hard questions

I was watching Grey's Anatomy tonight and a certain question-like phrase was repeated throughout the episode;

Do you know who you are?
Do you understand what has happened to you?
Do you want to live this way?

I liked this, as many of the memorable quotes in Grey's do, it made me think. When I really sit back and think about my life thus far I gather images, that turn into memories, that turn into the person I am today. I am unsure of who I am still, trying to break free of my past as a long time push-over, but I'll come back to this question later. I understand my past well as I have taken a lot of time to really sort through and process the choices I have made and those made around me. As of now I don't want to live the way I do, I still feel the sting of being a push-over sometimes and feel as if I am just another face in the crowd that doesn't get a second glance.

Back to the first question; Do you know who you are? This is a question that is not so simple, so here goes.
I am a girl who loves to read, it puts me in a good mood. I love to be outside and even love when my freckles come out in the summer sun. I tend to put other people ahead of me because making other people happy makes me happy (that's where the trouble with being a push-over is). I used to love to write but lost that part of me somewhere along the way. I get excited over the simplest things, and the smallest things can tick me off or make me want to cry. I hate showing emotion other that happy. I have fears that don't even make sense to me. I feel like I am just an ordinary person.

That is pretty much me. I mean I'm sure there is more but that's all I could think of right now..

So now its your turn to look at you and answer;
Do you know who you are?
Do you understand what has happened to you?
Do you want to live this way?