Truth hurts

I feel like I am the expert at saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I am the person who takes the joke too far and silences a whole crowd because what I just said was either really stupid or just plain awkward. There are many things I don't like about myself, this being one of them, but I am trying to get better. Learning when to shut up and when to just let everything out. But the more I sit back and let everything build the more I realize that it sucks and just tends to hurt.

I'm not quite sure what is going on with me right now. I get up and I just want to crawl back into bed, I go to work and don't even want to look at anyone let alone make conversation. I feel like crying but at the same time I don't want to cry. Food and me are in a hardcore relationship these days, I went out of my way to bake brownies just so I could sit down and eat them. I feel heavy like I'm being held back and I'm slowly just giving in. I go to bed every night and think tomorrow will be different but then I wake up and it isn't. I think the main thing is that I haven't given up. There is a light at the end of the tunnel it just takes a little longer to get there than I though it would.

I'm sorry. Because I'm not the person I was before and I hate that when I decided not to have him in my life anymore I became a shell of who I used to be. I want to change but I don't know how..