I have always been told I am different, weird, not normal, unique, etc., and have gotten used to being the odd one out. But it still hurts. Learning how to be part of a group was always hard because I always sat the wrong thing at the wrong time and once one person starts not liking me so does everyone else. It is a blow to the self-esteem when you get to the point where you just exist trying to be someone everyone will like regardless of how you feel. You start to feel hollow and empty, only feeling good when people want to be around you. It sucks feeling like nothing, feeling like you could fell off the earth and no one would care. I could never explain why I have done half the shit I have done in my life, or even explain why I think certain things.. but I do stupid things and I think stupid things. I have always let the little things get to me, but I still want to make everyone happy even if I'm not happy.
I feel like one of these days it will be too much. But what then? Will I just explode and let all my emotions out? Or just be like a zombie now knowing what to do? I'm scared to feel that bad. To feel that lonely. Have you ever heard the song How do you get that lonely, By Blaine Larson? I heard that and really wonder why sometimes it feels like that even though you could have everyone around you that could help. I think it may be because sometimes you can't explain why you feel a certain way and if you don't know why you feel something then you don't think any one can or will help..
I don't know. I'm just Sarah.. I feel like I'm still in a shitty place. In a shitty rut in life and going no where. But like my new tattoo says, keep moving forward. Means more to me than most people would think..
Goodnight.
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