Confused

You were my bestfriend, all through elementary, parts of middle school, and parts of high school but you were always there for me. We dated on and off this whole time, dreaming of marriage and kids someday. We got back together a few months before we graduated and lasted almost three years. We grew together in those three years but things changed and I just wasn't happy. I hated hurting you and I still do, everyday, but I need to try to make me happy.

This has been the toughest few months, not having you there like you always have been. Not being able to run to you and have you just be my rock. It is hard standing on my own two feet and I have been doing a shitty job so far. But I have to do it or I'll never be happy, I'll never be able to be my own person. It is hard sorting through all my thoughts, it's hard doing anything honestly. I try to be happy and fill my time but I find myself crying and just feeling alone. I know I can be by myself but taking you out after so long having you there has not been easy and I'm not sure how long until I can feel like a normal person again.

I hope I figure all of this out soon. My friends have been taking all my crazy and I'm not sure how much more until I have no friends. I keep pushing people away slowly and can feel myself going into a rut that I don't want to be in. I feel lost. And I have no idea what to do.