You know everyone has that person that no matter what, how they treat them, how often they talk or hang out, they will always be there for them. I'm not sure if I want to be this person but I am. No matter who needs me if I can help I'll be there. The only thing that sucks is sometimes I feel used.. not the best feeling ever. I'm trying to find myself but seem to be losing myself in the process. I know that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can bounce back up but I have always hated rock bottom and would like to stay up for awhile.

This is short, kind of like my attention span..

Bye!

Truth hurts

I feel like I am the expert at saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I am the person who takes the joke too far and silences a whole crowd because what I just said was either really stupid or just plain awkward. There are many things I don't like about myself, this being one of them, but I am trying to get better. Learning when to shut up and when to just let everything out. But the more I sit back and let everything build the more I realize that it sucks and just tends to hurt.

I'm not quite sure what is going on with me right now. I get up and I just want to crawl back into bed, I go to work and don't even want to look at anyone let alone make conversation. I feel like crying but at the same time I don't want to cry. Food and me are in a hardcore relationship these days, I went out of my way to bake brownies just so I could sit down and eat them. I feel heavy like I'm being held back and I'm slowly just giving in. I go to bed every night and think tomorrow will be different but then I wake up and it isn't. I think the main thing is that I haven't given up. There is a light at the end of the tunnel it just takes a little longer to get there than I though it would.

I'm sorry. Because I'm not the person I was before and I hate that when I decided not to have him in my life anymore I became a shell of who I used to be. I want to change but I don't know how..

Just a night

Sometimes we don't realize why we do things as we are doing them, sometimes we have to stop and think about what we are doing and why. I was looking at the other half of my bed today where my sister sleeps when she is over and noticed that when she leaves I can't sleep if there is nothing over there, so I fill my bed with blankets and pillows.

I panic a lot. I had this awful feeling that when I broke up with my boyfriend that I had made a mistake that I would end up alone and unloved. I have a problem where I can't step back from certain things and rationalize anything. It's a huge fault of mine. And I hate that part of me.

I talked to my brother and to my ex.. I realized that I made the right decision and I will find someone someday. I just need to focus on me and let the rest fall into place. I will admit that I'm scared, quite often, but I think that's okay to be scared sometimes. As long as it doesn't drag you down.

And now I think the best thing to do is stay positive and keep going.

My tattoo means so much to me because ever since I was younger my dad told me that when things get rough that all you have to do is keep moving forward. It may seem like just 3 simple words but they mean so much to me.

Well that is what is on my mind this fine evening.. Goodnight.

Unsure as always

I have been trying lately to really figure out who I am, who I want to be and how to get there. It hasn't been easy and I have not gotten very far but I have learned a few things along the way. I've noticed that as the weather warms up I become a generally happier person, when I'm working I keep my mind on the end result, and I'd do anything for the people closest to me.

I'm not sure what other people see when they look at me, I'm not sure what my friends think, sometimes I'm not even sure of what I think, but I'm trying my best to be my best and I hope that is enough.

I'm a big kid now

I have always been told I am different, weird, not normal, unique, etc., and have gotten used to being the odd one out. But it still hurts. Learning how to be part of a group was always hard because I always sat the wrong thing at the wrong time and once one person starts not liking me so does everyone else. It is a blow to the self-esteem when you get to the point where you just exist trying to be someone everyone will like regardless of how you feel. You start to feel hollow and empty, only feeling good when people want to be around you. It sucks feeling like nothing, feeling like you could fell off the earth and no one would care. I could never explain why I have done half the shit I have done in my life, or even explain why I think certain things.. but I do stupid things and I think stupid things. I have always let the little things get to me, but I still want to make everyone happy even if I'm not happy.

I feel like one of these days it will be too much. But what then? Will I just explode and let all my emotions out? Or just be like a zombie now knowing what to do? I'm scared to feel that bad. To feel that lonely. Have you ever heard the song How do you get that lonely, By Blaine Larson? I heard that and really wonder why sometimes it feels like that even though you could have everyone around you that could help. I think it may be because sometimes you can't explain why you feel a certain way and if you don't know why you feel something then you don't think any one can or will help..

I don't know. I'm just Sarah.. I feel like I'm still in a shitty place. In a shitty rut in life and going no where. But like my new tattoo says, keep moving forward. Means more to me than most people would think..

Goodnight.

Well I'm just a ball full of happy..

Everyone has those days, those days where they just want to disappear. When those days become close together and you want to disappear more and more each time you start to believe things that are untrue, start to feel things more harshly, the world becomes your personal hell. Little problems build up and become too much. That's when you either push forward or crawl into a hole. After awhile pushing through everything you get tired. You get weak. You crawl into a hole. And what do you do then? When you have all the words inside of you that you don't know how to say. I don't know what you do..

I'm in a rut. And it's getting bad. Scary. Waking up and not liking who you see.. not even wanting to get up at all. My "not giving a fuck" attitude doesn't help. I feel like I'm pushing everyone away. I've hit the wall, I'm trying not to crawl into the hole..

Truth

I'm not okay. I don't care how weak it makes me seem. I'm not fucking okay. I can plaster a smile on my face and make it through the day but its all fake and it sucks. It hurts, it suck, and I just fucking hate every second of it.

Scared

I want to feel wanted, loved, needed.. I want to go to bed at night and know that there is someone who wants to be there when I wake up every morning. I want the kids and the house with the fence and the dog. I want the whole thing.. and my biggest fear is that I won't get that. I'm afraid I may have walked away from that because I wasn't happy.. What if that was as happy as it was supposed to get? I know I wasn't happy but I don't know why and I'm still not happy. I'm afraid I'll never be happy, I'll never find "Mr. Right" and I'll never get a chance to live the life I want.

Confused

You were my bestfriend, all through elementary, parts of middle school, and parts of high school but you were always there for me. We dated on and off this whole time, dreaming of marriage and kids someday. We got back together a few months before we graduated and lasted almost three years. We grew together in those three years but things changed and I just wasn't happy. I hated hurting you and I still do, everyday, but I need to try to make me happy.

This has been the toughest few months, not having you there like you always have been. Not being able to run to you and have you just be my rock. It is hard standing on my own two feet and I have been doing a shitty job so far. But I have to do it or I'll never be happy, I'll never be able to be my own person. It is hard sorting through all my thoughts, it's hard doing anything honestly. I try to be happy and fill my time but I find myself crying and just feeling alone. I know I can be by myself but taking you out after so long having you there has not been easy and I'm not sure how long until I can feel like a normal person again.

I hope I figure all of this out soon. My friends have been taking all my crazy and I'm not sure how much more until I have no friends. I keep pushing people away slowly and can feel myself going into a rut that I don't want to be in. I feel lost. And I have no idea what to do.

Honesty

It is a new year. I have always tried to make New Year resolutions but have never succeeded. This year I have one resolution, I am going to start coming to terms with my anxiety. Most people probably just think I am weird but I have weird ticks and triggers for my anxiety.. I usually just play it off as nothing.

I have been doing an overwhelming amount of research and although I feel stressed at the thought of dealing with my anxiety rather than running from it. I can see my anxiety starting to invade my life in ways that just aren't okay. So I am going to take this new year to work on making myself a better person, by overcoming anxiety.

I hope that I am strong enough to overcome my anxiety. I really do.