Christmas spirit

My boyfriend and I just broke up a little over a week ago and it hurts. This is he first Christmas in three years I haven't been with you, talking to you, being with you.
But this is also the first Christmas as long as I can remember without my grandpa..
It has been hard to get into the Christmas spirit knowing that when family dinner rolls around you won't be there.
It's been hard shopping for gifts without getting one for you.
It's been hell since you left knowing that I won't see you again..
But I got into the Christmas spirit as much as I could, and when I sit down at family dinner I'll remember it like you were still there, and when I went shopping I looked for things you would like too.

It's hard without you and it always will be. But I'm glad I got the time that I did have with you.

R.I.P. Grandpa, I love you <3

Just a Sunday night.

I want to go back to the old days,
back to me and my old ways,
but those old way didn't work so well,
that's why I finally broke out of my shell,
I feel like everyone wants me to crawl back in,
when all I want in to feel like me in my skin.

I can't be anyone else but me,
but that's enough soon you'll see,
I'll steal your heart in no time at all,
you just have to let yourself fall,
no matter what I'll be here for you,
just like I know you're there for me too.

Look at me with those worn eyes,
tell me the secretes and the lies,
lay it all out, it's just you and me,
everyone says the truth sets you free,
the lies will bind you deep inside,
making the scars hard to hide,
nothing feels better than letting it out,
just get rid of your worries and doubt,
all the words will come out fast,
soon you'll whisper the very last.

Don't worry about me or what I'm doing,
the dreams I had or the ones I'm pursuing,
you had your chance but you walked away,
now your back and my thoughts go astray,
seeing you here brings back that old sting,
back from when you were my everything,
but you aren't my anything anymore,
I've moved on and shut that door.


I have always liked words. I like to find the right combination of words to portray exactly what I mean and I always feel better when I know that I said exactly what I wanted to say the best way I could. I think that is why I like to write poetry, because I can put words down in a way to convey feelings and experiences in ways that isn't just saying it.

I do critasize my writing a lot, but at the end of the day it helps to write and I'm glad I do.

I don't know,,

The words that were never spoken, the feelings that were there all along.  Every touch burning with a new intensity, every second moving too slow. Clinging to what you believe is real but waking up alone and cold. Turning into a stone, that no longer knows what to do or where to go. Pushing through the bullshit. Moving on each day. Learning how to live a new way. EVerything turning out okay.

Your Story

Everyone has a story. Every person has details that are kept tucked away under pocker faces and little white lies. Things that may not even mean that much until you scratch the surface and dig deeper into someone to connect all the dots. When you become part of someones story, part of what makes them the person they are, you start to connect dots and descover the little details that aren't always known right away. When you think about the people that walk into your life and leave compared to the ones that stay I bet there are some mixed feelings. Some people leave because of death or simply because they want to. Either way it hurts, but is part of life, part of your story.
I have personally found that with everyone comes a story, and with their story comes baggage of some sort. Stuff from the past that can come up and mess up everything for really no good reason. Finding people that can deal with you and your baggage can be an unfun adventure but worth it in the end.
Make your story good, it is the only one you will have. The only time you have to have fun with friends and family, the only chance you have to make your story wotrth living.

Some People Just Suck.

I hate how I don't feel good enough. How we always talk and say we need to get together but never do. I hate how you can lie to me and say you miss me when I say I miss you. I hate how I fall for it every time.. and every time I give you another chance. Stand there and call me your friend but never seeing me, or trying to see me is just shitty, but me falling for it every time is just plain dumb.

I give too many chances and I care a little too much. I'm the person at home worrying about people who don't give two shits about me. I'm there when you need me and come back every time I get thrown away. I don't want to sound conceited but I would say I am a pretty good friend, so one day when you walk away and try to come back with your problems expecting me to come running back, I hope I'm strong enough not to be there.

Hmmm... random rant.. (:

Crazy College Years

Everyone experiences things differently, for me college has not started off so swell.

When you think about college at first you think about being out on your own, partying, staying up late, and drinking, but for some people college doesn't even come close to this image. Personally to me college has been my way to a better life. I belong to a family that is at the bottom of middle class and have always dreamed of a way up. But this dream is not always as easy as it seems. I am in my third year of college, at my third college and I have enough credits to be considered a freshmen in college.. a lot of people may have given up by now but I can't. If I were to give up I will have let myself down and I really just wouldn't know where to go with my life.

I have never though of myself as a smart person but honestly college has beaten me down to where I just need to get through to prove that I am worth anything. I have a constant feeling of being behind whenever I see anyone from my grade, they are all so far into their lives I feel like I have fallen through the cracks. But I never let that out, I just plaster a smile on my face and act like nothing is wrong. I am to blame in many ways when it comes to my college disaster, but I have never stopped trying. I think that is why it hurts so much when I fail, because I really tried.

I start college in a few weeks, a new college, a new semester, a new major, and all I can do is try. I guess we will have to wait and see how the story ends..

Words on a page.

Sometimes the past is something you can’t let go of. And sometimes the past is something we’ll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.

Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy

My past is full of baggage, everyone has baggage. Emotions that are carried with us all of the time that just don't go away. Memories that are held onto to get us through and keep us moving and things that can bring tears to your eyes. Sometimes I wonder how to keep the past in the past and how to look forward without all the baggage swallowing me whole. But it always happens every once in awhile, something sparks and a piece of my past all comes rushing back, choking me with emotion until I have no choice but to give in and feel everything that had been locked away. We hide the parts of our past that we don't want to remember, that we wish would just go away or never have happened it the first place and we keep some memories close to our hearts. My memory follows me closely, reminding me of things I try to block out and keeping my mind racing 24/7. But I look forward in my attempt to leave the past in the past, to forget what needs to be forgotten and move on. Although this sometimes doesn't seem possible I keep trying.

I find it impossible to believe when you learn something new about your past that turns everything upside down, changing what you had once thought until a new view on your past has been created. Then you seem to look at everything in a new way it seems like everything was a lie, that part of you is a lie. Walking around day after day with the feeling that you are part of a big lie can run you down and kill you from the inside out.. but you keep moving. You push it aside, get busy, and keep going forward until it just blurs right back into your past.

No matter the baggage you carry with you it really just comes down to what you do with it, I have said before that I push everything in. Although pushing everything in and hiding it may not be the best method of coping with baggage and the past it seems like the best option because when you come down to it, your past will always be there waiting for you to stumble over it again and again.

Well then..

In the back of your mind there is the voice that's screaming everything you don't want to hear, that voice can tie your stomach into a knot and make you feel like less than nothing. Sometimes your willpower lacks letting the voice overpower you, take you over and make you belive the lies it spreads and the emotions it leaks. Behind this voice is pure emotion. Emotion that is hidden away, that you have trapt and not let out for some reason or another.

I bundle my emotions, I always have. My little voice screams at me but I just ignore it. Everyone deals with their emotions and their voice differently.

This blog is pointless. I hate my emotions, I hate the way I deal with them. I hold everything inside and it hurts. I HURT. And I really wish I could scream that sometimes. I have sucked everything up through the years and I just hate it all. That voice in the back of my mind is telling me this is one shitty blog but you know what?

I don't care, my blog I can do what I want.

Lost but never forgotten

Living in a small town may have its many downfalls but one upside has to be that our community has a way of coming together in the rough times to help each other get through. A little over three years ago I was sitting in my second period class when an announcement came on informing the school that a classmate had been killed in a car accident. It was a log tearful day that had many more to follow. Just yesterday a car accident claimed the life of a local teacher, Mitch Aring. He was a teacher, a wrestling coach, but most of all a great man. Being able to turn to anyone and have them understand the hurt and loss that is inside you is something you may not be able to find in bigger cities. The out burst of memories and love that fill facebooks newsfeed and twitters page is overwhelmingly heartwarming. It takes a special kind of community to come together like this time and time again but never forget the loved ones we have lost. We all keep them close in out memories and our hearts.

Although I wasn't extremely close to Mr. Aring I still knew how good of a man he was. I was sitting in his class when I had found out about the student dying three years ago and had looked my way to silently ask if I was okay. He had one hell of a sense of humor also, always making his students and fellow co-workers laugh. Him and his wrestlers had a special bond and you could tell he cared about them all. I'm glad I had the chance to had known Mitch Aring, and I know that we will all keep him in our hearts and our memories <3

No Regrets </3

hey

Cry until nothing matters and it all just fades away,
but how long do you have to cry
how long until it all goes away
when does it all get better
I don't want to play this game


Falling back into that place
like drifting out into space
never knowing where you are
or even how you got this far
but looking back you'll see
this was never ment for you and me


You like?
Just some shit I thought of.

words on a page

How do you know when you hit rock bottom? How is it you can look right at someone and never know what they are truely feeling? It is a scary feeling.. knowing that those around you may be hiding things that are slowly eating away at them day by day..

follow me under, I'll take you there
the two of us, forever, I swear
hold my hand, don't be scared
it's a special place I prepaired
where we're going no one will see
we will be hidden just you and me

Blahhhhhhhhhhhh... night!