A little bit of honesty with a touch of whatever

I used to be full of words, it used to be one of my favorite things about myself. I loved being able to describe things and string words together in ways that others couldn't. In ways that made people see things differently.. but somewhere along the way I lost my words. I lost one of my favorite parts of myself and sometimes I'm not sure where to go from here. I thought that coming off my pills would help me get my words back, I feel things again, things I haven't really felt in quite awhile. Honestly this scares me, the pills I was on made all of my emotions kind of flat line in a way, now that I'm off of them it's like coming out of water after sinking for so long. I feel everything and as hard as it is to say I don't exactly know how to deal with the emotions that I have been feeling. I feel myself overcompensating for emotions that I'm not used to feeling. So I think that maybe once i settle down and get a little more control over my emotions and learn about who I am now pill free my words will come back.. fingers crossed..

Crazy

Off my meds.. I am officially off all of my crazy meds. And I pretty much feel as crazy as I ever have been. I am really hoping it will go away the longer I am off my meds but we will have to wait and see. Right now I really should be sleeping, but I can't. I have an unreal amount of emotions. They are all swirling around causing havoc in my brain. I want to make buckeyes for one of my friends, and I will cause I want to but as I try to make them it makes me feel so lonely. I crave a mom.. not my mom, but something like a mom. A friend. My sister. Fucking someone.. I don't know how to describe any of this right now. It's like this, you grow up doing things, bonding, knowing how to do things. Or you don't. I didn't have a horrible childhood. Just no relationship with my mother. So now at almost 25 years old I want that relationship, with anyone else on the planet BUT her. You can't keep tearing someone apart and expect them to stay there forever. But you can't expect that person not to miss what they could have or should have had. So I am all sorts of emotionally messed up and slowly sorting through the pieces.

Fingers crossed my dear friend
That your journey will soon end
But if you continue on your way
To see what the world has to say
Seeking something you must find
That has your heart in a bind
I know that all this is true
But I'll never once stop you

She gave up that night. She stopped trying and stopped trying to please everyone. But in the process she lost herself. A classic case where she let the world crush her until she looked in the mirror and didn't even know who she was looking at. She tried to stay strong but in the end she only saw few options. Go back to who she was, what she knew. Or keep wandering, lonely and confused. Either way she would be judged. This time she wasn't strong enough, wasn't good enough to be anything but everything she wanted so badly not to be.

This week 💔

This will be my first week off my antidepressants. I know I doesn't seem like much but it is a big step for me. Becoming clean and seeing who the hell I am when I'm not medicated will be a journey I'm sure, I just hope it's worth it.

This week is also bittersweet, this Thursday it will be eight years Boopkey has been gone. Every time I think back to highschool and band I have so many memories that included him and it still tears me up that he is gone. He was one of the good ones and will always be truly missed.

So here's to this week, remembering a good friend and trying not to go insane.. sounds simple enough. Hold your loved ones close, tell the people you love that you love them, keep in touch with your friends, you honestly never know when the last time you see them will be.

Words

It's funny how you can wake up everyday,
And some days, some days are good,
That's what makes the bad days so much harder.
When you wake up one day and you don't even want to move, it's just too much.
But you do, because you have to.
And you can't put into words why this is,
Or what you are feeling.
That may be the worst part.
Walking around feeling utterly empty,
and no one knows.
And when you finally admit it, that you aren't okay, everyone looks and waits for an explanation.
But that's all you have, three words.
I'm not okay.

A peak inside my brain

I have met a variety of people in my life so far. I have heard all about how the things I feel in my head are made up, not real, me seeking attention.. and I have also heard about how what I feel is real and that maybe not everyone understands. To be honest I don't even understand, but I can tell you that what I feel is very real. My mind can make a normal day hell just by twisting everything around. It is like taking a walk everyday but sometimes it rains and you didn't see it coming but you have to keep going. Sometimes you can walk in the rain and it is all okay, but other times it gets really rough with lightning and wind and it is just unbearable, you need to find cover fast and sometimes it all just gets messed up.

I know that all of that may have just made me sound like a nut but that was the best analogy I could think of.

How about this, you are talking to someone and the little voice in your head is all good and helpful but all of a sudden... BOOM! You feel like everything you said was wrong, you messed everything up. You don't know what to do now.. that is my anxiety.

Now on to anxieties best friend, depression. It is like glue holding you into bed when you know you should get up but everything inside of you is screaming not to move. Depression is that feeling that you just want to shut yourself in and away from everyone because it is easier to stay away from everyone.

Think of it this way, you wake up Monday ready to go. You clean, eat a great lunch, and work was great. You go to bed happy and ready for a new day. Then you wake up Tuesday and for some reason you are void of all motivation. Nothing makes you want to get up and get going. Eventually you do and either slap a fake smile on your face and continue the best you can or you avoid doing things. Neither is a solution, and you still have no idea what is making you feel this way.. Nothing went wrong, no one is mad at you, you are doing great. You woke up and hit a wall. It came out of no where and you can't do anything to get around or over it. All you can do is wait it out and hope it goes fast.

I hope this was an alright peak into my brain. I could probably go on for quite awhile about what I think and how it all gets messed up but I am going to leave it at that. Next time someone says they are fine and you know something is wrong, don't pry, just be there for them.

Trial and Error

We all have demons inside of us.
We all have things we wish we could change.
We all have secrets that no one knows
We all have so much pain
We all have chances we wish we took
We all have memories blocked from our minds
We all have people no longer in our life
We all have regrets we will always have




At the end of the day when you look in the mirror
do you see the pain you wish you didn't feel
does the exhaustion set in from the long slow week
and the tears streak down and drip by your feet
you are all alone inside your own head
living in hell you just don't know why
losing your mind slowly but surely
you lay in your bed till everything goes blurry
the tears keep coming as you beg them to stop
and all you wish for is just some sleep


These aren't finished. they are just me jumping back into this. Seeing how it all feels and if I can still do this whole blog thing.

Hello again

So, a lot has changed since I've last been on here. For starters I'm engaged 😊😊 I've learned a lot since I've last written, sometimes good friends can become complete strangers, which sucks so very much, but then you turn around and meet so many more amazing people. I'm still struggling sometimes but I'm doing better.